I wear entirely too much makeup to the grocery store. I wear designer jeans and sparkle eye shadow to football games. Its kind of embarassing, but it's true...Why? because the grocery store, football games, the Mall, these are major social outings for me. I am a single mom. If I have free time, sometimes I go to the library, where I might check out books to read because other than running or going to the gym, that is my only hobby, reading books. So, I am a nerdy, shy single mom.
I love Harry Potter. It is not even normal for an adult to be as obsessed with the Harry Potter books as I am. I only read them-for the first time- about 4 years ago, so while I may have been slow to jump on the Hogwarts bandwagon (Express, if you will), I more than made up for my late arrival with my enthusiasm. I quote Potter trivia and character quotes like the nerd I am, and one of my favorite quotes is from Albus Dumbledore (beloved Headmaster of Hogwarts) that says "it is our choices, Harry, that show who we truly are, far more than our abilities." -Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.
I made the choice, to be a single mom, to put my kids first and I don't regret that. As a matter of fact, if you read my last blog, you know for most of their lives my children have shared me with "ed" and I do regret that. Very much, but I can't change what was. As my kids are older and are beginning to have their own lives, I have become more aware that being a single mom isn't the Halmark feel good stories we hear about in NBA player profiles or Lifetime movies. You know the ones, single mom works two jobs, kids find unbelievable success because of inhuman ability to play sport/act/model/write songs/use autotunes...whatever. Or my personal favorite, single mom puts herself through school with the help and support of her children and loving family....and everyone smiles as she becomes a raving success and goes on Oprah. Please.
I have a wonderfully supportive family, I do. My dad, who only sighed and wrote another check through four major changes and a baby in college, has bailed me out financially so many times I've lost count. And when I quit my full time teaching job to take a chance at new career while working a job I love, but which pays by the hour, he's right there....My mom has literally provded most of the clothes on my children's backs and the shoes on their feet as I attend class and work in a retail job and try to make this new life work. My brother takes my son to practice on nights I am in class, my family is as supportive as they can be; but even the greatest family doesn't always fill that ALONE you feel when at the end of the day it is YOU who has to make the decisions, pay the bills, clean up the mess or fill the free hours when the kids are at their other parent's.
My kids have made the adjustment from having a mom that is on the same schedule they are to a mom that works two jobs at times, works nights, works weekends....and while my daughter enjoys my discount there are not a lot of benefits for an 11 year old boy when your mom works for Victoria's Secret. But, they don't complain, I miss band competitions, football practices, school events, and they don't complain.
And I am not complaining. I made my choices. I chose my children years ago when I could have chosen a social life. And I am not sorry. No mother would trade her children for anything in this world. But it's a lonely life, as a single parent. When your child walks for the first time, there is no one to call to come and see. When you attend the ball games, you sit alone. When you are not smart enough to figure out the math homework, there is no one to ask. And when you are exhausted and crabby, there is no one else to deal with whiney children (and if your children never whine-congratulations, perfect parent. Stop reading this and go shine your halo)
I look in the mirror as I "pretty up" for work, and I see an aging former sorority girl wearing more make up than I did a few years ago. It hides dark circles from lack of sleep worrying about bills, future, school, children left alone too long while I work. I look out the window and I see a beautiful fall day and think of a dozen fun things I'd love to do with "somebody"-take a walk, run a trail, pick out a pumpkin...I notice the grass that needs to be cut, but which I haven't the time for and I am reminded of all that waits when you have the job of two and are one. I pet my cat and think of what a cliche I am as I put down my book...I am a single mom, I made this choice. I think of my daughter, performing in a band competition I won't see as I have to work, my son spending the day with his dad (because that's how split custody works) and I finish up and go to work....because that is how this life works.
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