Out There

I think my Ipod is thwarting my attempts to meet men. It seems everytime a good looking guy smiles at me, gives me the eye contact thing, or looks vaguely interested in me at one of the about three places I go where single men might be, it chooses to play Nickelback. (everyone has music on their Ipod they aren't proud of, mine is Nickelback. Okay, some of mine is Nickelback). Nickelback, oddly, does not enhance a hue of sexiness.

 Not that I really expect to meet someone at Wal-Mart or the grocery store, and I would probably be a little taken aback if some dude did just come up and try to get my number. Espescially since I run many of my errands AFTER I hit the gym, so often I am just hoping someone doesn't declare my sweaty self a public health hazard. Moving on to the original point, which is ...Now that my children are older, trying to have a social life is more about finding one than having one. And by social life, I guess I must admit I mean dating life...like you know the kind where you do the talking, the hanging out...And by talking I mean texting, the phone is like a committment-I'm no overachiever.  It might come as a surprise to people who knew me in the classroom, but I am incredibly shy, which is why I often hide under my headphones in stores and malls. (headphones that usually play awesome music like...well, anything but Nickelback.)  Eye contact or conversation with (attractive) strangers is not something I just strike up randomly.

I think this meeting "people" thing can be done, though. I see friends who find people only a few months after a divorce or who discuss their dating lives all the time. These are people who have children. These are people in my age range , give or take a few years. Where are they meeting all these dates? Or are all my friends just so stunning that available men/women flock to them and beg for their company?

Most of my family and friends have given me the same advice: go Online. This idea appeals to me about as much as running a marathon. I admire those of you who do, but no thanks- not for me. Perhaps it is the idea of having to describe myself in a profile. How do you do that and not sound like a total narcisst or a nutter?

Fun loving single mom of two enjoys reading, sports, exercising and plotting to move to England....Likes Harry Potter, Tosh.0,listening to rap/hip hop music, Will Smith movies, working at Victoria's Secret, going to church and spending time with my darling children....I'm two sentences in and I feel like a farce. I like to watch sports, not play them, so I'm not exactly down for some Kennedy style touch football. Of course I like to exercise, I buy $200 jeans, I want them to fit...Sometimes I yell at my darling children because they have trashed the house, broken the furniture, or refused to do chores. I've been known to oversleep Mass. So, I'm already a disappointment for the guy expecting an athletic, homeroom mother to arrive on his doorstop and begin crafting a Bible cover. 

Of course, I don't know, maybe  Prince Harry likes Kid Cudi, understands Quidditch and makes pound town jokes, too. Who knows? And let's face it, who doesn't like Will Smith movies? Maybe I'm not as weird as I think I am.

In the end, though, I don't understand the idea of picking someone from a description. How do you get that "feel", that gut instinct, or have the ability to explain yourself? Yes, I love rappers, but that doesn't mean I only want to date Wocka Flocka Flame. I'm just not a person who can sort and categorize people based on one trait or another. No to this guy because of his job, yes to this one because he, too, is a St. Louis Cardinals fan. I don't want someone to look at me that way-No because she seems a bit flaky or immature ( the pound town jokes, I guess); yes because she works at Victoria's Secret and is probably dying to show everyone her Dream Angels ( Oh yeah, those guys are out there, usually at the bar, drinking alone)

 (Not Me)

Online is out for me, I'm just too-um-unique.  I'd never make it past the profile anyway, I have ADD, I'd get distracted before I actually looked long enough to meet someone. I'd read two, have to Twitter about it, respond to one of my celebrity friends...and two hours later it would be time to go  to work, class, clean the house, or live my real life and my cyber dating would end before it started.

So  what else? The answer is...I don't know. When you are single and not in college anymore ( wait, I am in college...), Springfield doesn't offer many possibilities-or it seems. Unless there is a whole happening scene I'm not aware of, and maybe there is. I'm Catholic, so my church isn't exactly a hotbed of hook up action and as endearing as those Facebook stories of old flames are, I prefer to read about them in People. Most of my male friends from high school or college are married, and if they aren't- they are the people I've spoken about earlier in new happy relationships.

When I think of how hard it is to meet people, I am reminded again of how easy it is to curl up with a book or study every weekend when my kids are gone and simply not try. I think that is ultimately my problem. I am okay alone, I've been alone for a long time. I fill my time and quite frankly, I don't want anyone telling me what to do with it. I have days and weeks where I am so exhausted  or busy taking care of myself and the two people who already fill my heart, I really don't have a lot of room or energy left for anyone else, no matter how fabulous.  My job has helped me make new friends who seem to want to hang out with me. Even for a shy possibly immature nerd, I'm building a social life, slowly but surely.  I am aware I am not getting any younger and my employer isn't exactly asking me to model what I'm selling, so I know this "dating" thing isn't going to get any easier; but I am also aware of the high costs of a bad relationship. I've been there and I don't need someone to complete me, reassure me, or take care of me.

So, I don't know...maybe out there is the perfect person for me. But I doubt it, because perfect only happens in the Nicholas Sparks books I don't read. I don't need perfect, I'm fine with fun or makes me laugh & looks like Will Smith wouldn't hurt either. Is Peyton Manning married? Justin is still available, right? Where is Kanye when you need him?  But back to reality, I guess it's time to admit I'm "out there" (what's the worst that can happen, right?) Nickelback and all.

Wasted

When I purchased my Iphone, one of the features I was most impressed with was the ability to lock it. I was still teaching then and the desk barnicles (my mother's name for thos kids who sort of move into your desk..) had a tendency to pick up my ancient open faced phone for inspection. I was tired of snooping teenagers in my life. Of course I bragged about my new Iphone and my locked screen.
"Let me see that," replied one of my students, who had been around a while. I think we were working on our third year together at that point. He had my phone unlocked in about 11 seconds. I was stunned. He looked at me and replied in that voice teenagers use when dealing with very slow or mentally impaired parents,
"Your favorite football player and race car driver...duh"

Yes, it appears the CIA won't be hiring me for my security skills anytime soon. This class of kids was a bit like the one Michelle Pfieffer teaches in that movie Gangsta's Paradise (not the real name of the movie, but the name of the Coolio song I remember from the movie)-or any of a number of other movies where you have an unmanageable group of kids that a fun, unconventional teacher comes in and turns into Rhodes scholars or inner city poets who love literature. Unfortunately--here's a teaching secret--that only happens in the movies or for the one in a million teacher -who promptly writes a book, quits teaching, and tours about telling other teachers how to be a better teacher while staying the hell away from an actual classroom. In the real world, those kinds of classes usually stay unruly, dislike everything you ask them to read, and produce not Tupac-style verses of raw, yet powerful voice; but dirty poems you threaten to show their mother unless they rewrite them.
Once my code was cracked, my  facebook status became interesting for a few days as I was hacked by the little pirates. In general though, that "bad" class of kids, like most other challenging classes, ultimately produced more laughter than anything else. They did not, contrary to a number of increasingly more creative (and at times destructive) rumors, drive me from teaching. Although I was overwhelmed, exhausted and extremely frustrated when I left teaching in May, in the months between I have a deeper understanding of all the reasons why I don't want to teach anymore. And  while part of it may be my desire to find a career where I can be my authentic, true self without the repercussions of small town politics, most of my desire to be out of Education is Education itself.
However, an afternoon of looking through photo albums and seeing images of my children grow and change over the years led me to the question: was it wasted? Teaching is an incredibly time consuming job. For every day off in the summer, there's extra hours of planning and grading each night, and on the weekends. The nights I sent my kids to bed early because of the stacks of papers, the tea parties or dress up games I could have played, the games of catch or afternoons with babies now half grown...I'll never get those back. What do I have to show for it?
When I really want to know something about myself or just have one of those days when you need a laugh really bad, I text my friend Chase. He's probably the funniest person I know, and one of the people in my contacts I can always talk sports with. I've known him for ten years, ten years ago he was a sophomore who one-by-one collected the English II books from the room I taught in and stacked them in his locker. Every day, I'd ask "where are all the books?" and blame the other teacher who taught in the room. His senior year he had me as a teacher for three hours a day, I think. Now, as adults, we are friends. When people ask me who was your all-time favorite student (which is a bit like asking your all time favorite book, it's hard to choose just one) the answer is always the same: Chase. Perhaps friendships are what I have to show for years in the classroom. Is one enough?
I thought teachers were supposed to change lives, build better tomorrows, give hope...(maybe that's the United Way and I've got my slogans messed up here). I doubt I did that...Every so often I run into a person who likes to comandeer me and remind me "you hated me.." . They always seem so gleeful, I never have the heart to tell them the truth. I didn't hate you, I just forgot you the minute you walked out the door, because the next pain in the butt was already on their way. Someone else was doing your material, kiddo. The moments, and the kids, I rememebr are the ones who touched me, changed me, or made me laugh. Moments like Drew Crook slamming shut a book in summer school after he finished it and yelling at me about the way it ended...or Kyle Govero coming into my before school his sophomore year and saying "I can't believe they found him guilty." He'd read ahead in To Kill A Mockingbird. I had the same conversation with my daughter a few days ago, when she came into my bathroom while I was straightening my hair and said the same thing. Those were the times I felt like I had accomplished something as a teacher, I'd made someone think.

For every criticism I've ever heard of self centered teenagers, I have a story of one who went out of their way for me and my children for no reason other than they were good kids who are now the kind of adults I want in this world. I don't take credit for that, but I remember it fondly when I look back over the years. The year Katey, who is not a competitive athlete in any sense of the word, wanted to play soccer Kyle Govero volunteered to coach her. The year Aaron turned 5, his only request for guests at his birthday party? High school basketball players,  Aaron is a competitive athlete in every sense of the word and attended his first basketball camp at 4.  Luckily, I knew several players-except of course number one on Aaron's list, the star of the team..a kid I'd never talked to in my life. If I'd had a twitter back then, I'm pretty sure the first ever conversation I had with Jon Huskisson would have a #thatawkardmomentwhen tag. But he came. A few years later, Aaron would have another party with the basketball team, even go bowling with some of them. Different kids, same thoughtfulness. All of those kids came and spent time with him, not for extra credit or bonus but out of the goodness of their hearts. My kids always had the best babysitters because I had such a plethora of volunteers. Some of those girls, like Tabitha or Hannah, are mothers now and I delight in seeing pictures of their children just as they used to love spending time with mine. Sprinkled through out thosephoto albums that made me so weepy the other day are graduation pictures, senior pictures, faces (or families, Wilmes girls) who remain part of our family memories.... A picture from Aaron's 5th birthday sits in a  amongst pictures of nephews, brothers, and grandparents in a Family frame on top of the tv. Years wasted? or one-of-a-kind memories for my unconventional family?
The interview for the PTA program is looming in a few weeks. Whatever happens, I know I won't return to the classroom. If  OTC doesn't work out, I'll  find another way to get by. I know I can't keep working part time forever, as the stack of billls and dwindling savings remind me and my anxiety. I have a new sense of self, I am no longer Ms. Nichols and I am at peace with that decision now. When people look at me curiously and ask "do you work at.." I finish the sentence with Victoria's Secret. I don't always want to explain my life to random people. However a lovely young woman came into the store the other day and looked at me with that same searching expression before saying "Ms. Nichols?" It took me a moment to recognize the adult version of Laura England, but once I did we had a lovely conversation. Much like the one I had had with Kristen Bagley a few weeks before, and the one I had with the aforementioned Kyle in the Halloween store last Saturday. None of them seemed scarred by their experience in The Greatest English II Class Ever (grammar tee shirts=fun) and all of them are adults who are doing good things with their lives. I'd like to think I was a part of that, if only for a pleasant memory. Their memories are important, too.
When I left Willard High School in May, one of the rowdy, but endearing, members of my last class (the Gangsta's Paradise from the first paragraph) made a power point for me. As a rather obnoxious freshman, this wasn't a kid I'd been excited to see on my roster as a sophomore; however, by the end of his junior year, he was one of those kids who was close to Aaron and like family. His powerpoint made me cry, espescially the part that said "you did a good thing here.." I watched it again before I wrote this and I realized again those years weren't wasted. All those "kids"...they did a good thing here.

Single Mom Manifesto

I wear entirely too much makeup to the grocery store. I wear designer jeans and sparkle eye shadow to football games. Its kind of embarassing, but it's true...Why? because the grocery store, football games, the Mall, these are major social outings for me. I am a single mom. If I have free time, sometimes I go to the library, where I might check out books to read because other than running or going to the gym, that is my only hobby, reading books. So, I am a nerdy, shy single mom.
I love Harry Potter. It is not even normal for an adult to be as obsessed with the Harry Potter books as I am. I only read them-for the first time- about 4 years ago, so while I may have been slow to jump on the Hogwarts bandwagon (Express, if you will), I more than made up for my late arrival with my enthusiasm. I quote Potter trivia and character quotes like the nerd I am, and one of my favorite quotes is from Albus Dumbledore (beloved Headmaster of Hogwarts) that says "it is our choices, Harry, that show who we truly are, far more than our abilities." -Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.
I made the choice, to be a single mom, to put my kids first and I don't regret that. As a matter of fact, if you read my last blog, you know for most of their lives my children have shared me with "ed" and I do regret that. Very much, but I can't change what was. As my kids are older and are beginning to have their own lives, I have become more aware that being a single mom isn't the Halmark feel good stories we hear about in NBA player profiles or Lifetime movies. You know the ones, single mom works two jobs, kids find unbelievable success because of inhuman ability to play sport/act/model/write songs/use autotunes...whatever.  Or my personal favorite, single mom puts herself through school with the help and support of her children and loving family....and everyone smiles as she becomes a raving success and goes on Oprah. Please. 
I have a wonderfully supportive family, I do. My dad, who only sighed and wrote another check through four major changes and a baby in college, has bailed me out financially so many times I've lost count. And when I quit my full time teaching job to take a chance at  new career while working a job I love, but which pays by the hour, he's right there....My mom has literally provded most of the clothes on my children's backs and the shoes on their feet as I attend class and work in a retail job and try to make this new life work. My brother takes my son to practice on nights I am in class, my family is as supportive as they can be; but even the greatest family doesn't always fill that ALONE you feel when at the end of the day it is YOU who has to make the decisions, pay the bills, clean up the mess or fill the free hours when the kids are at their other parent's.
 My kids have made the adjustment from having a mom that is on the same schedule they are to a mom that works two jobs at times, works nights, works weekends....and while my daughter enjoys my discount there are not a lot of benefits for an 11 year old boy when your mom works for Victoria's Secret. But, they don't complain, I miss band competitions, football practices, school events,  and they don't complain.
And I am not complaining. I made my choices. I chose my children years ago when I could have chosen a social life. And I am not sorry. No mother would trade her children for anything in this world. But it's a lonely life, as a single parent. When your child walks for the first time, there is no one to call to come and see. When you attend the ball games, you sit alone. When you are not smart enough to figure out the math homework, there is no one to ask. And when you are exhausted and crabby, there is no one else to deal with whiney children (and if your children never whine-congratulations, perfect parent. Stop reading this and go shine your halo)
I look in the mirror as I "pretty up" for work, and I see an aging former sorority girl wearing more make up than I did a few years ago. It hides dark circles from lack of sleep worrying about bills, future, school, children left alone too long  while I work. I look out the window and I see a beautiful fall day and think of a dozen fun things I'd love to do with "somebody"-take a walk, run a trail, pick out a pumpkin...I notice the grass that needs to be cut, but which I haven't the time for and I am reminded of all that waits when you have the job of two and are one. I pet my cat and think of what a cliche I am as I put down my book...I am a single mom, I made this choice. I think of my daughter, performing in a band competition I won't see as I have to work, my son spending the day with his dad (because that's how split custody works) and I finish up and go to work....because that is how this life works.