Big Cats

I don't really know what a cougar is. I'm good with lions (King of the Jungle, Disney cash cow, sketchy brothers) and tigers (overused school mascot, loses easily to midmajors in NCAA Tournament play, really should have just eaten Mike Tyson in that movie as a public service); I know leopards and cheetahs have spots, but maybe not because a black leopard might not so I'm confused again. My son, who has a vast storehouse of animal fact knowledge was trying to explain the Big Cat question (mountain lion? panther?  puma? cougar?) to us the other day, when he finally said "If you want to see a cougar look on the couch."

One of the problems with dating (or attempting to date...or talk...maybe make eye contact) as a single woman over the age of about 25 (ok, 30) is you earn a label "out there." Pretty women who date older men become "arm candy" or gold diggers (Kanye didn't write a song about it because it's a compliment). Any woman who has children and who has maintained her appearance an figure is a MILF, and to me that's not a compliment. I'd like to personally punch in the face whoever wrote the song Stacy's Mom a few years ago, or maybe I could just beat the crap out of Stifler's mom instead because a generation of now twentysomething males have grown up with MILF fantasies that are-quite frankly-a little creepy. I don't care if I'm a MILF, I see too many women pushing expensive strollers with well-dressed but screaming or whining exhausted children every day because their MILF status is more important to them than their child's nap. I don't need attention that badly anymore. And if you are too busy shopping for cute clothes, new lingerie, or high heels, let me take your baby to the park. I was awfully busy when mine were growing up-I understand what you are missing.

The truth is, my children are partly grown and I don't want to raise someone else's. I've done an okay job by myself. I don't need someone to pay my bills, fix my car, or buy me gifts. I am a child of parents from a generation in which women were taught to find men to take care of them, and I won't teach my daughter what was taught to me. So if I want someone in my life it's because I like talking to them, spending time with them, or sharing common interests. I don't know a lot of 50 year old guys who went to Wiz Khalifa. I quit my own generation (see previous blog) so I rarely have much in common with men my own age, much less someone older. I'm just not at the same place in my life many women in my age range or age group are -I wasted much of my life in a relationship with Ed, I'm not ready to settle for stability and comfort while I'm still figuring my life out

I asked my doctor the other day if I could still have children. Not that I want another baby, but the truth is I don't know that I don't want another baby-look at im there in this random picture I found, maybe I want one of those...or not. I don't know exactly what my job will be in a year. I'd like to sell my house, so I don't know where I will be living in a year. I'm at a jw place in my life. (just wondering, maybe I will name  that baby JW..not really) It is easy for me to talk to people who are are still wondering about their lives too, who don't have it all figured out yet. Most of my friends are younger, they are still wondering, so we have great times together-sometimes those are at night clubs (night club might be a stretch for Downtown Springfield, but still you get the idea). We go to concerts together, read popular books, try new workout programs and talk about celebrity gossip sometimes. I watch sports, mostly the NBA, and college basketball. I like people who share those interests, therefore I usually talk to or date younger men. Which brings me to, the previous Big Cat reference. Much like the poor confused panther, I am not really sure if I am a cougar or not. Technically (and by technically, I mean according to the definition I found on Urban Dictionary) I don't think I am really old enough to be a cougar yet. But there is usually a pretty healthy age gap between me and any given man (I think the term is cub) I am talking to.

(Cougar Cub...actual)

If I am, in fact, a true cougar. I am a pretty weak one. I am the runt (do cougars have litters?). In the cougar pack (do cougars travel in packs? or is that only on singles cruises?), I would be the omega...I think that's more of a wolf reference but wild animals, hunting prey-it's like trying to find someone to date in Springfield-so same difference. According to Urban Dictionary as a cougar I think I am supposed to be aggressive, straight forward, possibly even domineering. I think I am supposed to have a lot of money-and spend much of it on self improvement-and also on my cubs. Cougars should probably dress in very high heels, possibly a lot of leopard or cheetah print and a high percentage of spandex in their clothes. I think they are supposed to take charge or relationships and call the shots, being all impressive with their cougar selves.

(Cougar Cub...delusional)

I read Harry Potter books. When I go out with my friends, I try to stand as near the wall as possible and make myself look small. If I see someone I find attractive, I look at the ground. I am poor, really really poor.The only leopard print I own stays hidden under my clothes, but includes underwear with actual leopards on them because I thought they were funny -I'm hoping for underwear of all styles-maybe bras too-that celebrate the Big Cats. I own many pairs of high heels, but don't wear them very often because I have a running injury. My idea of self improvement is a morning at the gym boxing, not a day at the spa. I don't even have big blonde hair, and I've never been able to save up enough for Botox. 

My most recent attempt at stalking prey almost killed my cat. And I really didn't do a very bang up job of stalking since the cub in question never even took me on a real date, and almost killed my cat. I may be new to this dating idea but I think the ultimate goal is dates (and not dead pets) so I believe the score would be Cougar Jean Ann 0, Playa Cubs 1. This is not how we win championships, Team Cougar. I know that some of you might be reading this and thinking-maybe you aren't a cougar or a MILF, but just a nice active mom who would like to meet someone who shares your interest.....that would be a too simple thought, my friends. Without labels, stereotypes and terrible communication, really what is this nightmare we call dating? (oh, yeah-a relationship, like the kind that might actually work)

With my children in Florida this week on that hard earned (read grandma treat) vacation, I figure it would be an excellent time to brush up on my cougar skills. So I've decided to call Joan Rivers. That was a cougar joke, disguised as a puma joke so it probably only seemed funny in certain parts of the country. I'll probably check my Twitter, since that seems to be the only place I can actually interact with males since in their actual presence I lose the ability to speak to anything except the ground. I think we are getting in some new underwear with tigers on them to add to my jungle collection.  I have a really fantastic plan to reread Harry Potter books 1-7 because that's.....well, that's who I am. I read Harry Potter. I watch the NBA. I listen to Ice Cream Paint Job Remix. Call me a cougar-or better yet, just call me Jean Ann.