TBH II

You know that excitement you feel when you find out your favorite artist is releasing a new album or your favorite author is writing a new book? Well, friends I am sure you are all feeling that same excitement with the triumphant return of my blog from its little hiatus....Feel free to organise JK Rowling-new book release type parties.
You know that disappointment you feel when you find out that "new" music is just a different version of the same songs, or the same book with slightly different characters? Prepare the angry mumbles now, my loyal readers (and by loyal readers, I mean my mom) as I proudly present TBH II. After all we all know if anything is good (or marginally passable) in true Hollywood style a sequel is a no-brainer. And by no brainer, I mean ADD-fueled trip through previous blogs, and slightly whinier excuses as to why I can't come up with original material. The blog equivalent of another Godfather (or more realistically, Scary Movie 5)
(Friends don't let friends wear these)

To be honest, I'm kind of glad Rock of Ages has been reported to be a flop. Not that I have anything against musicals, I enjoyed 8 Mile. What? That wasn't a musical; well, you know what I mean... But, I spotted actual acid washed jeans for sale in the Battlefield Mall the other day, and the neon colors splashed everywhere are burning my retinas. I tried to warn you people, yet here it is invading every pore of our being-nothing is safe. Our fashion, our movies, and soon saxophone and big guitar laden songs will be pouring from the radio. This must be stopped before it is accepted again, have you people learned nothing from terrible yearbook photos and Prom pictures of the days gone by? 1987 needs to stay where it was....in the ugly, ugly past. I can see why Tom Cruise would be all about a movie glorifying the '80's, but Tom- you are not Maverick anymore and big hair and terrible bands are not welcome in this new millennium. 

Not Dirk, or a Celtic...unrelated OKC player not mentioned in blog, included for your, okay my,viewing pleasure

To be honest, I hate grass. No, not the kind Kid Cudi writes songs about. The kind which grows in my yard, forcing me to cut it. The kind birds-which I also dislike for no real reason- use to make elaborate nests in my BBQ and bring forth other birds which then either die in said BBQ or around the yard only to be chopped up in the previously mentioned lawn mower. I also hate rain, because it makes the grass grow. And while I am on the subject, I might add I also have an irrational dislike of the Boston Celtics, Dirk Nowitzki, frozen custard, and saxophones.And while I can't relate any of these to how fast my grass is growing, I might or might not be enjoying an evil fantasy about forcing Dirk to mow my lawn right now.

Durantula-an awesome nickname, that I probably misspelled

To be honest, my son and I enjoy watching many sports playoffs together and one of my favorite memories in his short life is that we were watching together in October when the Cardinals won the Series, but I am really enjoying the NBA playoffs. If you're not okay with your kid looking  up to Kevin Durant, then I am not sure what I can say. They don't come much more clean cut in the world of sports, or much more enjoyable to watch. And watching the Oklahoma City fans reminds me of the glory years of Willard basketball when the gym was small and people were so packed in you couldn't move. Much like my life with my dad has been timelined by the sports events we watched, so has my son's with me. And I'm okay with this. All families have their traditions, this is ours. I can't really make up my mind as to who to cheer for in these playoffs, but watching with my boy is really more important to me than who wins.

To be honest, it is the son of someone else that my last blog was about that has kept me from blogging for the past two and a half months. I wrote my last blog the day that Steeler Seaburn died and in the time since then, although life has gone on, in so many ways it has not. I wrote that blog before I saw the peacock feathers at his funeral, before I watched his friends mourn for him, before I sat in a cemetery on my knees crying the kind of heaving sobs I didn't even know I had. Before I realised the number of memories, stories, songs on my Ipod, movies I like, tv shows I watch and even little sayings I have that Steeler was a part of. How I took for granted that sometimes I just asked him questions that I knew he would know the answers to, or checked Facebook just to see how he was doing.  Before I watched his class graduate without him, watching his friends walk to the stage-not needing their names called because I recognised them by the way they stood or walked and knowing that somehow-deep down- I was looking for Steeler even though I knew he wouldn't be there. I was in shock, I think, still when I wrote that. I was not yet accepting that he was really gone and that I would mourn him in a way I had never mourned or grieved for anyone or anything in my life. It is a grief I am not sure I have a right to, but there are days when the reality hits me like a punch in the face and I am sometimes almost doubled over again with crying that this person who was so alive, and so dynamic and so very good for the world is gone. I have seen Steeler's mother, Genny, a few times since his death, and often times I feel angry afterwards. Angry and confused because I want to know why....why Genny's child? and these are answers I don't have....
So tonight I will watch the game with my son, and to be honest, tomorrow (maybe even tonight) I will probably yell at him for something. I will think, as I do every day, about this son of another mother who is gone and I will pray for her, for him, and for my son. And to be honest, I will wait for the world to be normal again, and know it will not be.

Steeler

There are certain unwritten "dos and dont's" about being a "professional" teacher. "Do" enforce rules fairly and equally; for instance don't write passes to let students out of class fourth hour because they are hungry and you have snacks. "Don't" play favorites, meaning don't allow some students priveleges others can't have-like keeping their gym clothes and hats in your desk. "Do" stay on topic-if students try to distract you by, say, asking you to call them "Nighthawk" don't let it lead to a side discussion starting with "What, why do you want to be called Nighthawk?" "Don't" let students eat in class, espescially not cupcakes you baked them. "Do" dress professionally -cover your new tattoo so none of your students yell "skank!!!" when your boss walks by.
I doubt I am remembered as much of a professional at Willard High School, and that's fine. Professionalism was never why I was there, I was there because I liked working with kids, and it is one of those kids that has left a hole in my heart tonight. As I sit here with tears running down my face, remembering, it is making those exceptions for three years that allowed me to know Steeler Seaburn. And I am so thankful.
Anyone who knew me in any of my final three years at Willard probably knew Steeler, too. And by anyone, I mean my neighbor knew him from my stories and a football game she went to; my kids knew him from the stories; my Facebook friends knew him (in case your wondering about this status: "Sorry Mom, I'm coming out of the closet"-Steeler's handiwork); Ed knew him (Steeler would check if he noticed I wasn't eating); a couple of unfortunate males I briefly texted knew him (my phone didn't always lock, and even when it did-he knew the code)  My final year there I think he spent more time in my room than any other student, and I've kept in contact with him in the months since I left Willard. I was going shopping for his graduation gift later this week.
By the time I first met Steeler, as a freshman in my seventh hour class, I was a pretty "seasoned" teacher. There wasn't much I hadn't seen, but I was slowly being transitioned from a Health teacher to English and I was becoming less and less happy at Willard as I became stronger and stronger in my recovery. Steeler was one of a group of boys who managed to find themselves sentenced to three years of English with me, three years in which I changed dramatically as a person while watching them grow up. Three years is a long time, espescially in the life of a teenager. Three years shows you who a person is, what kind of heart they have and I have met few people who had a better or kinder heart than Steeler Seaburn.
When you are an English teacher it is a given that many kids won't like your class and English was not Steeler's subject. And his personality was the very defintion of classroom distratction. He was loud, hysterically funny, and increasingly inappropriate. Between the books he didn't want to read and the papers he hated writing, and the mother who wanted him to do both, it would have been very easy for him to hate me. But he didn't. Instead he asked for help, and I helped him with the papers, the assignments, the books, and eventually a little of everything else. And he helped me. When someone is in your room, in your desk, in your life, they learn about you. Steeler knew me, he knew my kids, he knew the struggles and the ugly rumors that last year; yet he stood by me, family is like that.
I could fill pages of blog with funny stories from the years I knew him because he was truly one of the most hilarious people I've ever known. I used to tell him he WAS Elf, from the movie-a movie I had never even seen until he announced (one day in my class for no real apparent reason) "the best way to spread Christmas cheer is by singing loud for all to hear." But I don't think I'm talented enough to capture who he really was in memories typed in a blog. It's too two dimensional for one of the most 3D people I've ever known. Anyone who has ever known him has probably laughed, or blushed, or both at something he said to them. And anyone who has ever known him has probably been touched by something he did. And it is those somethings that are ripping my heart out tonight. I know a lot of funny people but I don't know that many who were as thoughtful as Steeler Seaburn.
I'm thinking tonight of his mother, we used to have our yearly conferences in October (these days I see her sometimes at the Mall), and can't even imagine what she is feeling. I don't know that I have enough prayers but every one I have is going out to her on the loss of her son. It is selfish, I know to grieve, as he is in a better place, but tonight I am feeling that the world is an emptier place without the boy she shared with me for several memorable years. On my birthday (which I do not advertise on Facebook) I got a Happy Birthday text from Steeler. I have no idea how or why he remembered my birthday but he did, although I guess I shouldn't be surprised. That was Steeler. In the days before I left WHS, I told him "everyone moves on no one will even remember I worked here before long"; his answer was "you will always be our second mom." It was an honor, Steeler. Thank you.

Our Sons

I think it was the Skittles that really broke my heart. Trayvon Martin had Skittles candy and a bottle of tea in his hand-it's the same thing Aaron picks out when we stop for gas or a snack on the way home from school sometimes. Children are killed in our country, children are brutally murdered in our country every year. That is a sad, but true fact and those murders often make headlines. Why have I felt Trayvon Martin's death so personally? I think it is because, as I said on Facebook one day, he could be my son. My son, only a few years younger, plays sports, loves Skittles, watches the NBA and doesn't always make the wisest of decisions. My son loves wearing hoodies. Walking to a nearby store at night for candy, even if it was ill advised, would be the type of decision I could see Aaron making. So I could easily see this boy as my son, or one of his friends. As a mother I can only imagine the pain another mother is, and has been, feeling this past month. It wrenches my soul. There is no greater sorrow than to lose a child, and to lose one in such a senseless and terrible way must bring both pain and anger I can't even fathom.

Is anger the way we should react? I have anger. I have anger with myself that this story made headlines for weeks before I learned about it...on Twitter....from LeBron James. Really? Am I an adult? But at least I learned. I talked about it with my children. My son, who looked at the pictures of the Heat in their hoodies and wanted to take one himself. My daughter, only two years younger than Trayvon, would have gone to school with him in a different place. They discuss it in her social studies class. I wonder about those discussions, in a school where she has heard the word n**** used in the hall as a racial slur numerous times.
I don't know exactly what happened in that neighborhood on that night, but I know a child died. I don't know if his attire, or his skin color, had anything to do with it. Hopefully, these things will be answered over the weeks to come and will be reported to us openly and honestly.
I've already said Trayvon somehow reminded me a bit of my son.Would the color of my son's skin save him on a dark night in a neighborhood? I don't know. It's a question I've asked myself, I think it's a question maybe many of us have asked ourselves. Perhaps it's a question, or a fact, that has allowed some of us to distance ourselves from this case. To not be as outraged as we should. It's an uncomfortable task, to examine your own deepest prejudices, to examine the racial bias of your community or country. I don't know where this country needs to go from here, but I know this-if I have any more children they would look much more like Trayvon than their brother and sister. And I know this, if those children would not be safe because of their skin color on that same street than this is an America I don't want to live in. If those children would not have every opportunity because of their skin color as the two I already have, then it's an America I don't want to live in.
In the America I want to live in, they will be treated exactly the same in school, have the same opportunity to go to the college they choose, succeed in the career they want, have a family. In the America I want to live in, young men can walk down a street and not be shot-not by young men of their own race, not by men protected by misguided "self defense laws", not by any sort of statistic just waiting to make the nightly news. But the America I live in...has some work to do and we should not need the death of a child to remind us. Perhaps if we are willing to ask the hard questions and learn the hard lessons, we can build a better country for the family Trayvon Martin left behind and the families yet to come.

**Footnote: (all references to any future children are hypothetical, Mom. I'm not having any more kids at this time or in the foreseeable future)

A Letter to Peyton Manning

(You, Peyton)

Dear Peyton,
I've been there. Believe me, I've been there. You have a job you like, maybe even think you love. You've been there a long time, longer than many others. People tell you you are good at it, you seem popular even though you make a few mistakes. Sure you have some critics and you don't have as many big awards (Superbowl Trophies, ahem, ahem) as some might like-but you're doing pretty well for yourself. Then-BAM!- management decides you are not exactly the direction of the future. Maybe you just don't fit in. And suddenly you are unemployed....
It's disorienting, although it appears you handled it pretty well with the National Manning Interest Tour of teams. Not all of us had that luxury, but I digress. You landed on your feet just fine. You found a new job. Who knows, maybe you will even be better at this one. Maybe your new job will let you use skills you didn't know you had, show sides of your personality that you couldn't before. Maybe you will feel free to speak your mind, voice your beliefs, have a social life and not have to worry who is watching or agreeing with you.
Perhaps Denver holds wonderful new friends for you. People who are fun, and who want you to be fun too. People who laugh at your jokes and who have open minds. People who support you in every decision. Perhaps you will have a stronger line blocking for you, so you won't get knocked down and feel left to fend for yourself. Perhaps your new coach has nothing but the best planned for you and will develop a plan to get you there.

(Still You,Peyton)

It won't be long and you might not even recognize the person you were in Indianapolis. You might wonder why you stayed  there so long. Your smile might be wider, your jokes will actually  be funnier. You will look younger because you are more relaxed. Your kids (do you have kids?) will like you better because you have time for them, even though you may be working harder because success in this new place is suddenly so important to you. Your social life will improve with all these new friends you are about to make. Maybe you are making less money (No, wait you are not making less money. In fact, you have more money than God) but you are squeaking by.

(Not you, but is this really about you?)

In short this new life will take some adjusting but you will reinvent yourself in Denver. The person you may become will be one who likes himself and everyone around him. You will be happier and healthier. Leaving Indianapolis-however you did it-will be the best decision you ever made. When you say your prayers at night you will Thank God for guiding you down this path and placing all of these wonderful new people in it. You will remember that he has a plan if you will just trust him. He knows what he is doing with you, Peyton. He knows what he is doing with all of us. After all, I've been there.
Your biggest fan,
Jean Ann

Classless: The Gospel

Classless: The Gospel: The truth is tonight is just a Kanye kind of night. It hasn't been a bad day, exactly.... but a little Kanye therapy will make me feel all b...

The Gospel

The truth is tonight is just a Kanye kind of night. It hasn't been a bad day, exactly.... but a little Kanye therapy will make me feel all better. Perhaps you don't have Kanye nights, perhaps you don't believe in Kanye nights. Perhaps the mere idea and existence of Kanye offends you, perhaps you have already stopped reading. That's okay-I probably already offended you a long time ago (hello, thinly veiled cougar references). But I am a firm believer in Kanye nights, in all things Kanye. As a matter of fact: I hereby proclaim the world needs more Kanye. And by more Kanye-I mean more Kanye tweets, more Kanye songs, more Kanye live performances within driving distance of Springfield, Missouri. More Kanye on my Ipod. Perhaps some Kanye texts-to me, hint, hint Mr. West... Kanye tweets are the reason I am on Twitter, ESPN may spend their time trying to stir up LeBron controversy, but LeBron never topped the Old School Kanye Wisdom of Yestertwitter.
Which brings me to my first lesson of the Kanye Gospel: speak the truth. In a world where we so often feel angry and decieved by media, politicians, authors, even family and friends sometimes-Kanye speaks his mind. He's honest. Is he rude? Probably...Is he conceited? Possibly  But is he telling the truth? Usually. Is it jarring? Of course it is. We all know part of being polite are little white lies, ("it's an honor just to be nominated" vs "if I don't win, I'll be pissed"). Many of you hate Mr. West because of the Horrible Terrible Thing he did to Taylor Swift. Was it a terrible rude beyond excusable moment? Oh, yes it was. Did he make an incredible ass of himself? Yes, he did. Was he telling the truth? Yes, he was. How do we know? What do you do with your hands when you hear Beyonce's Single Ladies ? What was the name of the song Taylor won for? Exactly...Does that justify anything? No....but still. Sometimes someone says what everyone is thinking.

(Video We All Still Imitate In the Privacy of Our own Homes)

Which brings me to Runaway...How many times have you wanted to tell someone- "Runaway as fast as you can.."? You hear your friend droning on and on (again) about this boy/girl/only true love who has cheated on/left/ignored/annoyed/confused/fill-in-the-blank them AGAIN and you just want to say very calmly "you can leave or live with it". But you can't because that makes you a bad friend. Kanye can. He did. He wrote a song. He made a toast. It's called Runaway. Go to Itunes. Perhaps you will enjoy the irony when he reminds you you have been putting up with his s***t way too long.

"No one man should have all that power"-it's a line from the song Power from Kanye's Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy album, which should have been nominated a Grammy for Album of the Year. This song helped me survive the last year. I listened to it over and over, it reminded me that no one, no one,  but me would be in charge of my life. No "man" (except the one "upstairs) makes decisions about what happens to me except me. No one bullies me, or you. You and God control your destiny. The power is in prayer. The power is in faith, and in hard work. The power is not in the illusion of control. I don't know exactly what Kanye West meant when he wrote the song (he's free to tweet me anytime...anytime, tweet me Kanye!!) but the personal meaning to me in this song is huge, I hope everyone has songs that help them this much. If not Kanye-then someone.
Creativity gives you a voice. I realize rap isn't everyone's music of choice. But one of the things I respect about Kanye is his voice-and I don't necessarily mean I hope someone asks him to sing. I mean his outlet for creativity-he's a creative guy. His songs show more than rap lyrics. His songs sound different, he doesn't repeat the same thing over and over. He collaborates, he samples other songs, he includes instruments. I'm not knocking on any other rappers, but there's a reason Kanye has surpassed Eminem as my favorite rapper. Each of his songs sound unique to me. He doesn't repeat himself as often, he's more creative. He's venturing out into other things. Will his clothing lines, producing, movie ventures be successful-I have no idea...but I respect his creativity.

Kanye is all that is wrong -and right -with America. Every excess that we (those of us who will honestly look at this country and say, some things aren't right here) see in America is on display in Kanye. He openly expresses his own greatness, much like America does when we annoy the rest of the world. (And we do, it's true, we do) Sometimes I hear people criticize NFL players who dance after they score a touchdown; we don't always like to see people celebrate themselves, even though it's as American as apple pie, kids. At one time Mr. West was about the most disdained and disowned member of society. He offended us all when he stole a moment from America's Sweetheart. But he also proved what may be the most American idea of all in the process. If you are talented and will work hard enough-America will forgive anything. Right, Ray Lewis? Both Watch the Throne and My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy were nominated for Grammys this year. Both should have been nominated for more. The Kanye-Jay-Z tour sold out all over the country. He performed on numerous award shows, at halftime of the NBA All-Star Game, the VS Fashion Show and many other televised events. Radio stations played his music (so edited it lost half the songs, but still). The bottom line-dumbass may make you infamous, but talent can still make you famous in the land of the free.

An America I'm Proud Of

And really isn't that what this country is about? Call it blasphemy-it's really just hyperbole ( I was an English teacher, trust me) but the greatest of my Kanye Gospel lessons is just that-freedom. If we are really about freedom of speech, and expression, here in America-we need guys like Kanye. We need lyrics censors want to edit. we need people who speak their mind. We need the ability-and freedom-to turn them off if we want and choose to. Yes, it's a Kanye kind of night. Thankfully, we were both Made in America.

TBH

(TBH- Not Running for President)

The high school kids I am friends with on Facebook keep posting TBH as their status. Although I don't really understand how this game (is it a game?) works it appears to be a way to visit each other's walls and write posts that begin with "to be honest..." and then proceed to comment on each other, their friendship, a charming good time they had two years ago-or just use the word chill as an adjective as many times as possible. There are multiple reasons I don't understand or want to play this game; the most obvious reason being that there are a great many truths in my life I really don't want to know. I encourage my friends to lie to me, quite frankly. That's why they are, in fact, my very good friends. Sample TBH conversation:

Very Good Friend:  "TBH, Jean Ann- You wasted your money, those jeans do nothing for your butt...TBH, Jean Ann-I can see the gray in your hair....TBH, Jean Ann-that guy is too young for you, this cougar thing-it's not working..."
Me: "Obscene word"
Honesty may be a virtue, but it probably won't win you many popularity contests. Think about what happens to honest politicians-they have press conferences to announce their resignations. What if we stopped air brushing magazine covers and advertisements, or ended celebrity gossip? What if he really answered the question "do I look fat in this?" No, TBH is not a good idea, unless you want free reign to run amok making thinly veiled insults to friends and family-and we really already have that. It's called JK and lol. (JK) Unless of course we all used TBH only for ourselves and told the truth about ourselves-especially on Facebook? If we just -out of the blue-posted what we were REALLY thinking, feeling or doing-instead of what we wanted the world (read our friends, family, or people from high school we should be so over trying to impress) to believe about our successful, together and mature selves. It might look something like this:

(Independent Women...Married to Wealthy Rappers/Moguls)

TBH:  ITunes is the devil, I think. It's like having a bar on the corner of your street if you are an alcoholic. You hear a song on the radio, you open the app, $1.29 later it's on your Iphone, Ipod, Ipad, ICloud, whatever...a few minutes later you hear another one...you start to remember all the great songs. It's the Old School Lunch Hour...No one has to know you just downloaded that much Destiny's Child, there's no cashier to face with that huge stack of Dr. Dre cd's, no one will ever know you actually bought Will Smith's Greatest Hits, ITunes will keep your dirty little NSync secrets. What? You spent $15 in 10 minutes??? Is that J.Lo's Love Don't Cost A Thing? It's like waking up from one of those nights back in college with a bad hangover and very little memory...ITunes might be the devil.

(Do I know these guys?)

TBH:  I have no idea who is running for President, besides the President. Most of my news comes from Twitter or SportsCenter or PTI, and I don't think Tony Kornheiser is running-although I might vote for him if he did. I should probably find out, there is probably an app I could get for my phone if I wasn't always on ITunes. I follow rappers, athletes, authors, and a few people I know on Twitter. I also follow the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom-he doesn't talk about the Presidential election, neither does JK Rowling when she tweets. She rarely tweets; but when she does, I feel strangely elated-as if the sophistication of Twitter is suddenly heightened, which again has nothing to do with who will be running our country for the next four years.
TBH- I have ADD. (As if the paragraph above didn't clue you in a bit) I take medication to prevent migraines that makes me forgetful and contributes to my attention deficit-it made studying and taking tests in my A&P classes horrible. Sometimes I have to make three trips to Wal-Mart before I can come home with what I need, sometimes I forget a word in the middle of a sentence. It's annoying, but it's a trade off for managing the migraine headaches that were taking over my life. I have probably always had ADD (and my battle with Ed did not help)-I have a child who has ADHD. Attention defecit is a battle of patience, one I often lose-with both myself and my child. I pray for patience, and forgiveness, every day.
TBH-I tried Internet dating-for 3 days.... I deleted the app from my phone, I think I was better at Angry Birds-where I have never even mastered Level 5. Stupid Pigs. Maybe I was actually playing Angry Birds instead of Internet Dating, I am not even sure, I was confused. My friend said I had lots of messages and that was good-but all I saw were lots of cowboys and pictures that I am pretty sure were blurry on purpose. I did not think that was good. I'm back to the old fashioned kind of dating, which is not.

(Coming Soon to my Living Room)

TBH-My new favorite sport is the NBA. Many things about the NBA bother me, sometimes I think they play sloppy and I yell at them. But I think the reason I like the NBA is that I miss watching high school basketball and exciting nights in the gym. Watching basketball on tv isn't quite the same, but unlike NFL or NASCAR, the NBA plays several times a week not just on the weekends-when I'm pretty much guaranteed to be working. I can actually watch it instead of checking the updates on my ESPN app on my phone. The NBA also has an unusually high percentage of exceptionally attractive individuals playing; therefore I enjoy it. I really want a Dwight Howard fathead-in my living room- but that might be a little much. Dwight Howard should have been on the cover of People instead of Bradley Cooper-I have a Dwight Howard app on my phone, I don't know what it does, but I have it. I follow him on Twitter. I'd follow him into a dark alley, if he'd let me....

TBH-Thank goodness people don't post every thought in their head. I'm not really sure the point of this blog. Maybe I felt I'd been a little too serious, or maybe there is a hidden message-welcome to life with attention deficit disorder. Maybe it's to show that these are the things I think about sometimes, when I probably should be worried about my future, the bills, finding a better paying job, that power steering thing with the car, wondering if I should move to Memphis...Perhaps it's a deep commentary on the shallowness of social media or the dangers of Twitter and how it can turn ordinary Midwestern moms into obsessive fan stalkers (JK,lol). TBH maybe I don't care what you think and I just wanted another excuse to Google "Dwight Howard " Images. Maybe I should stop blogging and start researching who to vote for for Prime Minister.