TBH

(TBH- Not Running for President)

The high school kids I am friends with on Facebook keep posting TBH as their status. Although I don't really understand how this game (is it a game?) works it appears to be a way to visit each other's walls and write posts that begin with "to be honest..." and then proceed to comment on each other, their friendship, a charming good time they had two years ago-or just use the word chill as an adjective as many times as possible. There are multiple reasons I don't understand or want to play this game; the most obvious reason being that there are a great many truths in my life I really don't want to know. I encourage my friends to lie to me, quite frankly. That's why they are, in fact, my very good friends. Sample TBH conversation:

Very Good Friend:  "TBH, Jean Ann- You wasted your money, those jeans do nothing for your butt...TBH, Jean Ann-I can see the gray in your hair....TBH, Jean Ann-that guy is too young for you, this cougar thing-it's not working..."
Me: "Obscene word"
Honesty may be a virtue, but it probably won't win you many popularity contests. Think about what happens to honest politicians-they have press conferences to announce their resignations. What if we stopped air brushing magazine covers and advertisements, or ended celebrity gossip? What if he really answered the question "do I look fat in this?" No, TBH is not a good idea, unless you want free reign to run amok making thinly veiled insults to friends and family-and we really already have that. It's called JK and lol. (JK) Unless of course we all used TBH only for ourselves and told the truth about ourselves-especially on Facebook? If we just -out of the blue-posted what we were REALLY thinking, feeling or doing-instead of what we wanted the world (read our friends, family, or people from high school we should be so over trying to impress) to believe about our successful, together and mature selves. It might look something like this:

(Independent Women...Married to Wealthy Rappers/Moguls)

TBH:  ITunes is the devil, I think. It's like having a bar on the corner of your street if you are an alcoholic. You hear a song on the radio, you open the app, $1.29 later it's on your Iphone, Ipod, Ipad, ICloud, whatever...a few minutes later you hear another one...you start to remember all the great songs. It's the Old School Lunch Hour...No one has to know you just downloaded that much Destiny's Child, there's no cashier to face with that huge stack of Dr. Dre cd's, no one will ever know you actually bought Will Smith's Greatest Hits, ITunes will keep your dirty little NSync secrets. What? You spent $15 in 10 minutes??? Is that J.Lo's Love Don't Cost A Thing? It's like waking up from one of those nights back in college with a bad hangover and very little memory...ITunes might be the devil.

(Do I know these guys?)

TBH:  I have no idea who is running for President, besides the President. Most of my news comes from Twitter or SportsCenter or PTI, and I don't think Tony Kornheiser is running-although I might vote for him if he did. I should probably find out, there is probably an app I could get for my phone if I wasn't always on ITunes. I follow rappers, athletes, authors, and a few people I know on Twitter. I also follow the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom-he doesn't talk about the Presidential election, neither does JK Rowling when she tweets. She rarely tweets; but when she does, I feel strangely elated-as if the sophistication of Twitter is suddenly heightened, which again has nothing to do with who will be running our country for the next four years.
TBH- I have ADD. (As if the paragraph above didn't clue you in a bit) I take medication to prevent migraines that makes me forgetful and contributes to my attention deficit-it made studying and taking tests in my A&P classes horrible. Sometimes I have to make three trips to Wal-Mart before I can come home with what I need, sometimes I forget a word in the middle of a sentence. It's annoying, but it's a trade off for managing the migraine headaches that were taking over my life. I have probably always had ADD (and my battle with Ed did not help)-I have a child who has ADHD. Attention defecit is a battle of patience, one I often lose-with both myself and my child. I pray for patience, and forgiveness, every day.
TBH-I tried Internet dating-for 3 days.... I deleted the app from my phone, I think I was better at Angry Birds-where I have never even mastered Level 5. Stupid Pigs. Maybe I was actually playing Angry Birds instead of Internet Dating, I am not even sure, I was confused. My friend said I had lots of messages and that was good-but all I saw were lots of cowboys and pictures that I am pretty sure were blurry on purpose. I did not think that was good. I'm back to the old fashioned kind of dating, which is not.

(Coming Soon to my Living Room)

TBH-My new favorite sport is the NBA. Many things about the NBA bother me, sometimes I think they play sloppy and I yell at them. But I think the reason I like the NBA is that I miss watching high school basketball and exciting nights in the gym. Watching basketball on tv isn't quite the same, but unlike NFL or NASCAR, the NBA plays several times a week not just on the weekends-when I'm pretty much guaranteed to be working. I can actually watch it instead of checking the updates on my ESPN app on my phone. The NBA also has an unusually high percentage of exceptionally attractive individuals playing; therefore I enjoy it. I really want a Dwight Howard fathead-in my living room- but that might be a little much. Dwight Howard should have been on the cover of People instead of Bradley Cooper-I have a Dwight Howard app on my phone, I don't know what it does, but I have it. I follow him on Twitter. I'd follow him into a dark alley, if he'd let me....

TBH-Thank goodness people don't post every thought in their head. I'm not really sure the point of this blog. Maybe I felt I'd been a little too serious, or maybe there is a hidden message-welcome to life with attention deficit disorder. Maybe it's to show that these are the things I think about sometimes, when I probably should be worried about my future, the bills, finding a better paying job, that power steering thing with the car, wondering if I should move to Memphis...Perhaps it's a deep commentary on the shallowness of social media or the dangers of Twitter and how it can turn ordinary Midwestern moms into obsessive fan stalkers (JK,lol). TBH maybe I don't care what you think and I just wanted another excuse to Google "Dwight Howard " Images. Maybe I should stop blogging and start researching who to vote for for Prime Minister.

Love Songs

The first time I heard Adele sing, I yawned. I'll admit it. I was bored, and thoroughly not impressed. "She's got an interesting sound, but that song is annoying," I scoffed to my daughter. A few weeks of radio overplay later, I was ready to hunt her down with an angry mob. Then we added it to our play list at work and I really thought I might have a new contender for my Celine Dion Get Off My Airwaves (you freaking Canadian) Award (although Adele is British, thereby making her slightly more tolerable, I felt). Then I heard Someone Like You...and I took it all back. Tears were rolling down my cheeks, and I had no idea why. I recently added Set Fire To The Rain to my Ipod. Her voice makes me want to grab my thesaurus, and use words like smoldering, haunting, heart stopping (see, that word right there proves I needed the thesaurus). I've long been a fan of the over the top diva power pipes-Xtina, Beyonce-but Adele is in another class, another world. Her songs are like a punch to the stomach, you don't just hear them, you feel them, and they take your breath away.

(Not Adele, but possibly setting fire to something)

What's more, when I listen to Someone Like You (the song that makes me cry for no apparent reason) and Set Fire To The Rain it makes me wish and wonder. I'm not much of a love song kinda gal. Lil Wayne's How to Love is about as sentimental as my Ipod goes, unless you want to count Usher's Love In This Club II, which probably only counts as a love song because Usher can make even the naughtiest lyrics sound smooth. (And he does refer to himself -in the third person-as "daddy" multiple times, thereby earning himself some extra "love" points, I'm sure). I am the person who once told someone that I thought the song Spacebound by Eminem was "romantic." Which it is, until the part about choking the life out of his loved one...
Back to Adele and her lyrics that make me wish I could muster the kind of heartbreak that would lead to a search for "someone like you" or the passion to "set fire to the rain." I wonder what that feels like-to hurt that much, to feel that much.  Now I have passion-anyone who has ever seen me cheer at a ball game knows I can be passionate. Want to argue social causes? I'm quite passionate and I'm proud of that. My kids know their mom will take a stand when it matters, but "love" is not a cause as far as I'm concerned. It's just a nonentity, unless you are talking about the family kind-the mother to child kind; the aunt-to-nephew kind; the Cards fan-to-beating-the-Cubs kind. I know other people believe in love, have love, show love, even wallow in it. I have friends who are in darling relationships, are happily married, or are planning to get married. I know love happens, look at celebrities who are perfect examples of soulmates. I adore Beyonce and Jay-Z.There's that Kardashian girl, the one who didn't marry the ugly white guy. Some of our Presidents have had wonderful marriages... But, quantum physics also happens, that doesn't mean I understand it.

(Not a Kardashian, or an ugly white guy)

 Let me clarify a few things here-I am not a person who is bitter or angry about love, I simply don't believe in it. Not that I think it's like Santa Clause, I know love exists (and brings presents, after all I work in retail) but for myself-love fits about as well as skinny jeans. Not attractive, friends. Not attractive. And I don't buy into many of the ideas of love I see portrayed around me...I don't believe we "fall" in love. Love is a choice, we choose who we love. And if you choose to love someone who makes you miserable, then you chose to be miserable. If you choose to love someone who doesn't love you back, well-good luck with that round hole and square peg. As you can see-I don't spend much time reading Nicholas Sparks, Twilight or watching any movies with Matthew McConaughey /Hugh Grant/Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson/Cameron Diaz/Drew Barrymore....I've shared plenty of awkward, and amusing, adventures with people in my lifetime-sadly none of them turned into a movie deal... errr I mean true love.

I work in retail, and Valentine's Day is coming, so I see love as a useful tool in the world. Valentine's Day=presents=money spending=hours for me=bills paid. Just as the love of Christmas helped fix my car, buy birthday presents for my son, and keep the heat on at my house; so will the idea of love in the next month I hope. But helping people pick out presents for their significant others doesn't convince me love is waiting for me-it's not. And for anyone who is going to tell me that love happens when you least expect it-do you know what really happens when you least expect it? Car repairs...stitches for your son..thunderstorms while wearing white..pregnancies. There is no cupid with a giant novelty hammer waiting to crack anyone on the head. Life holds enough unexpected surprises for me, peering around corners for my true love does not need to be one of them.
I'm sure there is a word for people like me-I like practical, but those of you with soft hearts and violin (or -shudder-Kenny G) music in your heads might say jaded. I'm a realist-I analyze situations and make sense out of them, and that includes interactions between men and women. I know some people in wonderful happy marriages and I know they found that kind of love that lasts, they work at it every day and they made a commitment to each other and their love-if you will. I get that, but I also know there are people like me..who, quite simply didn't. And won't. I see it a bit like the ability to sing, something else I wish I could do when I hear Adele. I see people walking down the mall or coming into the store I work at who are obviously happy and who see only each other and I can appreciate, even envy, that. But I can't imagine ever having it, I can't imagine even wanting it; because to me that idea is a bit like waiting for my Hogwarts letter...there are those with magic and the rest of us are just Muggles. So, while I have nothing but respect for Adele now (and have made this public apology), I think Drop the World  still probably will play more often in these headphones for a while. Because this Muggle just doesn't understand that magic called love.

My cat likes to drink from the toilet. If we leave the bathroom seat up, or the door open, he will nose his way in, jump up excitedly and go face down-butt up into the bowl for some heavy duty binge drinking. It's not a pretty picture, especially for an animal who often prances around as though being petted is beneath his "dignity." When I used to see the cat with his face and paws buried in the porcelain god, I would harangue away at the children about making sure the "poor animal" had fresh water-look at him, he's so "desperate" he's drinking from the toilet...but he has water, he has food. He simply enjoys commode water it seems...

(Cat, living in my house)

Now, I'm not a cat person. Even though I'm single, not as young as I'd like to be, woefully lacking in a social life, and quite shy I am not-repeat NOT-a cat person. A cat lives in my house. I didn't invite him there, I don't invite him to stay. When he escapes, I don't chase or look for him. I've been known to mutter the word good riddance...often. I often try to give him away in creative ways....but my daughter loves him so he stays.
He is included in this blog simply as a metaphor because as much as I hate to admit it, I've been wondering if maybe, like the cat-I'm happy drinking from the toilet, too. (That, by the way is another metaphor, repeat a metaphor...I drink from my Love Pink water bottle)

(Defense, Rebounds...Hot)

My favorite NBA team is bad, they suck-and I will be very sad if my favorite player leaves them for title contender LA.  My favorite college basketball team will not win the NCAA Tournament this year. My favorite NFL team...has won 2 games this season. I openly support Kanye.I often vote Democrat, in Southwest Missouri. It appears I know less about winning than Charlie Sheen. When it comes to sports, drinking from the toilet is kind of my approach to choosing who I cheer for-meaning I'd rather be loyal to the average than ride the bandwagon of the popular. (Okay, there might also be a really,really hot theme to my favorite NBA player, but really it's his defense, I promise. Defense, Rebounds...Hot)

My favorite poem (and by favorite poem I mean only poem not by Shel Silverstein I have ever understood) is the Road Not Taken by Robert Frost. If there is a path less traveled by, I will travel it. As a matter of fact, I will beat it down, thrash through the dense underbrush, scratch my hands on thorns, climb over rocks and cling desperately to a cliff if I have to. Songs and redeeming novels will tell you the hard roads build character and maybe they do, but I don't know if my friends would say I am a person of exceptionally upstanding character. I don't know that I aspire to be a person of unusually high character, quite frankly. It's quite possible I simply aspire to be a person of happiness and personal peace. A person who contributes to society, a person who can pay my bills, take care of my kids and who-at the end of day-is happy and content. A person who remembers to thank God for the gifts in my life and who hopefully is a decent-but probably not exceptional-parent. A person, who, in other words is okay drinking from the toilet. And by drinking from the toilet I mean, I know there is better out there-but maybe what I've got is fine.

(Know the feeling?)

If you follow my blog, it probably doesn't take much deep analysis to figure out that I was not sorry to see 2011 go. It was, in some ways, the worst and the best year of my life. My career ended. A person with a career is not drinking from the toilet. I have spent the last few weeks working almost 40 hour weeks in a minimum wage job, sometimes 10 hour days on my feet, with very few days off. Anyone who has ever worked that kind of schedule and brought home a minimum wage paycheck understands the drinking from the toilet feeling when the paycheck and then the bills come. Yet, as hard as that struggle has been, there is a happiness and satisfaction I feel with my job I never felt with my "career." Why is that? Perhaps that is why I am struggling so much with the idea of continuing to pour money and resources into school and a new career-what if I don't need a "career" if I can figure out how to pay the bills with a job...Maybe I am okay drinking from the toilet.
When I "walked" away from my career, I also walked away from the place I had been for 10 years...and the small town, teacher expectations that went with it. When I found my new job, I found new friends, and a new life that probably seems very "drinking from the toilet" to people who knew me a few years ago. Which is how I came to spend New Year's Eve in a nightclub this year...something I hadn't done in...a while (okay a while is a few weeks- and this was years, possibly enough to write a speech about that could be delivered at a National Battlefield, but anyway)  I was a bit of a deer caught in headlights, well off the well traveled road.  But I was there-because my friends invited me. And that, having a place to go and people to be with, set this New Year's apart from last years and many before that. As I have mentioned before, my freedom from teaching has allowed me to explore the social opportunities (read friends, theoretically dates) that gives my children their freedom from being my social life and best friends.
These past few months, I have come to understand that Mom is a role I have in the world, not a wall I should use to hide from it. Drinking from the toilet doesn't mean settling for less than what I want (sorry, old white plumbers...not, yet) but accepting that it's okay to be a normal, human average Mom-woman who has both kids and a life, and friends...and maybe male friends. I don't know. Baby steps. Maybe baby steps in high heels....

I don't really believe in New Year's Resolutions, they never last. If you don't believe me, go back to your gym the last week in February and look for the two people on the treadmills next to you. But in the new year, I'm planning to be more diligent about putting the cover down on the toilet because...it's a disgusting habit. The cat who lives in my house may be a nasty animal, but I don't have to encourage it. ( I think there's probably another metaphor in there, possibly a sports metaphor; but I will save it for another blog) As for my own drinking, oops, I mean goals...I think it's time I really accepted this person who I am. A person who may very well be okay with an average life and a less than perfect...everything. And focused on the things that are really important-like planning my triumphant return to the nightclub, and those high heels. Perhaps this time I might even try making eye contact or talking to someone. I've wasted too much of my life feeling disappointed about the meantime of "drinking from the toilet" --not just being happy with what I am and have and looking around and taking in this road less traveled. In high heels.